Crying Out

I was so mad.

All I wanted was a picture to capture the sixth birthday of my oldest child.

All I wanted was for everyone to just cooperate. Sit still. Smile. Please just at least pretend that we are all having a good time.

He wouldn't listen to me. He didn't want to sit still; he wanted his mommy.

I was so mad.

Looking at this picture now... with the perspective of eight years, an understanding of autism, and episodes of his life and struggles that play randomly through my mind...all I want to do is go back in time.

I want to tell my old self to put the camera down. To tell all the kids to go have fun playing with the new toys. I want to tell Joseph that one day soon I will know how hard it was for him to have so many kids around him...to deal with the noise and the commotion. I want to scoop my two year old baby up in my arms and tell him that I will never, ever, leave him.

I think of all the times, after this party and after the diagnosis, when I layed next to him on the floor as he screamed for me to help him with something I couldn't understand. To fix something I couldn't see...crying with him because I felt so helpless.

This is the saddest photo I own. He needed me, and I didn't care. I just wanted the pretty picture. The fact that he was crying out for me was just a huge nuisance.

As much as I hate this picture, as much as it reminds me of my failures, I am also reminded of the One who always hears us.

Each time I look at it, I think to myself that there are times in my life where this is what I must have looked like to God. Crying out to Him...reaching for Him...needing Him to pick me up and carry me because everything was just too much.

Except He always listens to our cries.

"Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer.

From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
For you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the foe." (Psalm 61:1-2 NIV)

"Cast all your anxiety on him because He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7 NIV)

“Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close.” (Psalm 27:10 NLT)

It's too late for me to change the choices I made and the feelings I had in 2003. I could only allow it to change me as a person going forward.

And on the days where it seems like the past or the present wants to drag me into despair, I remember that I can always cry out to my Father. (Deut. 31:6a)

It's About the Cross

I'll never forget the feeling that washed over me as I sat in the health office of my college. It was January of 1996 and I was a sophomore at SUNY Cortland, living up college life as a somewhat reclusive 19 year old. (Right, Holly? ;) ) What many didn't know was that I was also in the tenacious grip of anorexia...a horrible attempt to control something when my life felt like it was slipping from my hands. My health had gotten pretty bad, and I finally reached the point where going to a doctor was more necessary than hiding my secret.

Within moments of arriving, a ketone test betrayed me. "What have you been eating?" the nurse asked.
"Carrots." (One) "A Sandwich..." (Lie) "I am eating fine, just maybe a touch of the flu or something." (Lie)
"We're going to run a pregnancy test, just as a precaution," the nurse said, patting my hand.
"I'm not pregnant. There's no way I could be." (Lies...more lies)

And that test betrayed me, too. I sat there waiting for forever. When the nurse returned, she brought two women with her. Apparently it's hard to tell a teenager that her life as she knew it is over.

"What are you going to do?" they asked me, as if I should have any idea.

I can imagine what I must have looked like. Twisting my fingers in my lap, I threw up a wall and smiled. "It will be fine." (Lie) "I just have to tell my boyfriend."

Two thousand years before I received the news that would change my life forever, another girl was told the same:

"Now in the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent from God to a city in Galilee called Nazareth, to a virgin engaged to a man whose name was Joseph, of the descendants of David; and the virgin’s name was Mary.

"The angel said to her, 'Do not be afraid, Mary; for you have found favor with God. And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall name Him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High; and the Lord God will give Him the throne of His father David; and He will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and His kingdom will have no end.'

"Mary said to the angel, 'How can this be, since I am a virgin?'

"The angel answered and said to her, 'The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; and for that reason the holy Child shall be called the Son of God.'" (Luke 1:26-27, 30-35)

Immaculate Conception. (Truth)
Her life changed in an instant...and I can imagine, Mary might have said, "It will be fine." (Truth)

She just had to tell her boyfriend.

Mary committed no sin and was chosen by God to carry His Son. It took an angel visiting Joseph to convince him that she had not been unfaithful.

"And Joseph her husband, being a righteous man and not wanting to disgrace her, planned to send her away secretly. But when he had considered this, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, 'Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife; for the Child who has been conceived in her is of the Holy Spirit. She will bear a Son; and you shall call His name Jesus, for He will save His people from their sins.'" (Matthew 1:19-21)

I reaped the consequences of my sin. My life changed. My world, for a while, grew smaller. I conquered anorexia after being told my baby was not growing as she should be. I walked down the wedding aisle five months pregnant and Steve and I launched into the dance of trying to grow up while trying to raise a child. There were days when I didn't think our marriage would make it. There were even days when I wondered how I could keep going.

But being born wasn't the most amazing thing that Jesus did. Performing miracles, healing, calming the storm...it all pales in comparison to what He did when He offered up His sinless life on the cross so that our sins would be covered.

"For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believe in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life." (John 3:16)

One year after my baby was born, I was saved through the grace of Mary's Son. My life didn't suddenly become perfect, but I was filled with a Hope and the knowledge that God loved me.

By His love, we are connected.

Christmas is about the cross.