Crying Out

I was so mad.

All I wanted was a picture to capture the sixth birthday of my oldest child.

All I wanted was for everyone to just cooperate. Sit still. Smile. Please just at least pretend that we are all having a good time.

He wouldn't listen to me. He didn't want to sit still; he wanted his mommy.

I was so mad.

Looking at this picture now... with the perspective of eight years, an understanding of autism, and episodes of his life and struggles that play randomly through my mind...all I want to do is go back in time.

I want to tell my old self to put the camera down. To tell all the kids to go have fun playing with the new toys. I want to tell Joseph that one day soon I will know how hard it was for him to have so many kids around him...to deal with the noise and the commotion. I want to scoop my two year old baby up in my arms and tell him that I will never, ever, leave him.

I think of all the times, after this party and after the diagnosis, when I layed next to him on the floor as he screamed for me to help him with something I couldn't understand. To fix something I couldn't see...crying with him because I felt so helpless.

This is the saddest photo I own. He needed me, and I didn't care. I just wanted the pretty picture. The fact that he was crying out for me was just a huge nuisance.

As much as I hate this picture, as much as it reminds me of my failures, I am also reminded of the One who always hears us.

Each time I look at it, I think to myself that there are times in my life where this is what I must have looked like to God. Crying out to Him...reaching for Him...needing Him to pick me up and carry me because everything was just too much.

Except He always listens to our cries.

"Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer.

From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
For you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the foe." (Psalm 61:1-2 NIV)

"Cast all your anxiety on him because He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7 NIV)

“Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close.” (Psalm 27:10 NLT)

It's too late for me to change the choices I made and the feelings I had in 2003. I could only allow it to change me as a person going forward.

And on the days where it seems like the past or the present wants to drag me into despair, I remember that I can always cry out to my Father. (Deut. 31:6a)