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I took my almost-eleven year old daughter in for testing this week. I don't have enough space on this blog to talk about all the things she has struggled with...mostly revolving around reading and academics. She even repeated the second grade because her reading just wasn't progressing. And recently, as her younger sister Shaylee started learning how to read (and picked it up quickly) we realized that there was Really Something Wrong.

It's so interesting in such a frustrating way. I have thought a lot about the year and a half between when Joseph started acting strangely, provoking the first whispers of "autism", and his diagnosis. A lot of the reason that time passed was because we were in denial. Why? Because we didn't know enough about it. We thought of it as Rain Man, obsessed with numbers and flapping arms. We didn't know about spectrums and regressions, or obsessions and echolalia.

Now we have Aliegha. Of course we know about dyslexia. But to me, dyslexia is about reading and writing words backwards. And Aliegha doesn't do that, she never has. Sure she messes up a "b" and a "d" once in a while, but otherwise the words are completely misspelled in the mostly-correct order.

But the testing shows she DOES have dyslexia. And once again, I am left with the knowledge that it is actually rare for a child with this condition to do the very thing I thought the condition consisted of. Instead they do things like omit letters and sounds when reading, skip over small words like "a, an, the", and read very, very slowly...and painfully. All things that Aliegha has done for years. And there is more...attention lapses, memory lapses, academic "laziness" (How would we look if we couldn't read the directions or the problems on the workbook page???).

It was dyslexia all this time. And I didn't help her. I didn't know.

I feel all those same grief and guilt stages I did with Joseph....denial, anger, shock, bargaining, frustration...I find myself trying to put the blame somewhere so I don't look at the finger pointing at me.

Of course I know there wasn't REALLY anything I could do. But I feel like I should have seen it. I am a warrior for my children with special needs. There isn't a book I won't read or a therapy I won't investigate. And meanwhile, arming myself with alphabet soup knowledge...ASD, PTSD, RAD, SID...I missed the dyslexia, I missed three years of time that I could have fought for her.

But I know now. And God has been with us every step of the way. From choosing homeschooling curriculum weeks ago that "happens" to be one of the best programs for children with dyslexia, to giving a spirit of peace, acceptance and happiness to Aliegha so that I would see not condemnation in my daughter's eyes...but just pure and utter relief.

So I have to try not to look back and examine every disciplinary action and academic decision. I have to try to let go of the guilt and focus that time and energy on moving forward and putting another layer of my mommy-fight gloves on. Because Jeremiah 29:11 promises us a hope and a future....and plans that are known by the One who loves Aliegha more than I ever could imagine.

We might have lost three years....or five...but we have a lifetime ahead of us.

Missing them...

There are devotions brewing in my head, words jumbling and sorting themselves out when my brain takes more than half a second to relax. But it isn't there....yet.

For the past nine days, Steve and Kahlan have been in Costa Rica for a high school spanish trip. They are having a blast...learning about wild looking creatures like this one...


Kahlan has always loved adventure, and this has been an amazing experience for her. She went ziplining through the rainforest, visited waterfalls like this one...

And generally has done things that she could never have imagined. This experience particularly disturbed her sister Kayanna, who is deathly afraid of birds...


But I think, now that it has been nine days, they are ready to come home. I can't wait to have them here again. Only about 36 hours left...

Hopefully the bugs stay in Costa Rica and don't hitch a ride here!

Living It...

I am living my next blog entry right now. My mom was hospitalized four days ago with dangerously low sodium levels that caused many problems. It has been an emotional week, and I have learned so much during these days.
She should be discharged tomorrow. I can't wait to share our experience with you.

Careless

This is the scripture verse that greeted me this morning:

"But I tell you that every careless word that people speak, they shall give an accounting for it in the day of judgment. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned." (Matthew 12:36-37)

Yikes.

I've had way too many careless words lately. Careless whispers, careless reprimanding. We are in the adjustment phase of the-kids-are-back-home. I know that every summer starts rough, and by the end of August I wish more than anything that they didn't have to go back to school. But man, the beginning is hard on all of us.

I need to watch my words. I need to think before I speak. I need to remember that not only in my parenting, but in my friendships and my role as a wife, I am accountable for what I say. It's amazing how careless words can hurt.

Being quiet is an art form I haven't quite mastered yet.

Unknown

I spent yesterday in a clinic about two hours from home. It was time for Joseph to meet again with his pediatric neuropsychologist. It is the appointment that worries me the most...this man having the diagnostic tools to truly tell me where Joseph stands among his peers and, possibly, give me that elusive glimpse into his Future.

The testing took four hours. Joseph was such a trooper, and when he came out for his snack break, he told me, "I'm doing awesome, Mom!"

I met with the doctor after the tests were concluded. He said that Joseph is a rare case. (Those who know him know that, for sure!) He said that a lot of times predictions can be made at around 10 or 11 years old as far as how far a child with autism will typically go. (Autism and Asperger's being decidedly different in that way.)

But Joseph, he said, is more of an unknown. His cognitive skills far outweigh how he tested yesterday academically. He said that they could tell that Joseph was rushing through, so though his skills tested at low-average, he thinks that based on his cognitive testing, the skills are much higher.

How I loved the word, "Unknown." It's like being a child and asking your parents for something, and just hoping that, at the very least, they will say, "Maybe." Maybe is so full of possibilities and hope. It's a possible yes. And that's what we got yesterday. Possibly, yes.

I found a picture of Joseph from During a few weeks ago. If I find it again, I will post it here. The Autism diagnosis hadn't happened yet, but his symptoms were in full force. I was in denial. I tried to put the kids in our extended family on the couch for a picture. Everyone looks happy except my two year old Joseph. He is screaming...reaching for me as if to say, "Please, please, I can't do this!"

I didn't know. And so I made him sit there, and now I have this image captured on film, the very raw center of his struggle.

Back then, I didn't want to hear, "Unknown." I think that is why I was in denial for so long. But now, loving my son for who he is and what he brings to my life, Unknown is pure joy.

Will Joseph be independent? Will he marry and have children? Will he have a job and be happy with his position in life?

Possibly, Yes.

New Format

It hardly seems possible that I started this blog almost two years ago. I remember still so clearly how God impressed upon my heart the need to come here and write. I remember feeling aghast at the thought of keeping up with my entries for one whole year! And yet here we are.

This blog has turned into something different from what it started as. I meant it to be a blog that chronicled my daily walk with Him, an account of how an insanely busy mom of seven (now ten) says," Yes!" to all that God wants her to be. In time, my perfectionist self took over. It became more of a devotional blog than a conversational blog. Certainly nothing wrong with that, except that my entries became more bi-monthly than daily.

So I am going to try something different. A combining of what it was and what it is.

I am going to try to write daily. When the post is a devotion, I'll label it as such. Also, though I have so far always posted on Facebook when an entry was completed, I will only do that for the devotional posts. So if you want to see the daily entries, you'll have to come here for those.

My daughter Kahlan will also do some guest blogging. She is an amazing writer and has given her life wholeheartedly to Jesus. I am trying to convince her to do her own blog geared toward kids her age, but this will be a stepping stone to that. I will label her devotions or posts specifically, also.

So there we are. Come along and walk with me. I'm going to do my best to share my life with you without agonizing over every word choice and metaphor. We'll save those for When the Mood Strikes. :)