aixelsyD

I took my almost-eleven year old daughter in for testing this week. I don't have enough space on this blog to talk about all the things she has struggled with...mostly revolving around reading and academics. She even repeated the second grade because her reading just wasn't progressing. And recently, as her younger sister Shaylee started learning how to read (and picked it up quickly) we realized that there was Really Something Wrong.

It's so interesting in such a frustrating way. I have thought a lot about the year and a half between when Joseph started acting strangely, provoking the first whispers of "autism", and his diagnosis. A lot of the reason that time passed was because we were in denial. Why? Because we didn't know enough about it. We thought of it as Rain Man, obsessed with numbers and flapping arms. We didn't know about spectrums and regressions, or obsessions and echolalia.

Now we have Aliegha. Of course we know about dyslexia. But to me, dyslexia is about reading and writing words backwards. And Aliegha doesn't do that, she never has. Sure she messes up a "b" and a "d" once in a while, but otherwise the words are completely misspelled in the mostly-correct order.

But the testing shows she DOES have dyslexia. And once again, I am left with the knowledge that it is actually rare for a child with this condition to do the very thing I thought the condition consisted of. Instead they do things like omit letters and sounds when reading, skip over small words like "a, an, the", and read very, very slowly...and painfully. All things that Aliegha has done for years. And there is more...attention lapses, memory lapses, academic "laziness" (How would we look if we couldn't read the directions or the problems on the workbook page???).

It was dyslexia all this time. And I didn't help her. I didn't know.

I feel all those same grief and guilt stages I did with Joseph....denial, anger, shock, bargaining, frustration...I find myself trying to put the blame somewhere so I don't look at the finger pointing at me.

Of course I know there wasn't REALLY anything I could do. But I feel like I should have seen it. I am a warrior for my children with special needs. There isn't a book I won't read or a therapy I won't investigate. And meanwhile, arming myself with alphabet soup knowledge...ASD, PTSD, RAD, SID...I missed the dyslexia, I missed three years of time that I could have fought for her.

But I know now. And God has been with us every step of the way. From choosing homeschooling curriculum weeks ago that "happens" to be one of the best programs for children with dyslexia, to giving a spirit of peace, acceptance and happiness to Aliegha so that I would see not condemnation in my daughter's eyes...but just pure and utter relief.

So I have to try not to look back and examine every disciplinary action and academic decision. I have to try to let go of the guilt and focus that time and energy on moving forward and putting another layer of my mommy-fight gloves on. Because Jeremiah 29:11 promises us a hope and a future....and plans that are known by the One who loves Aliegha more than I ever could imagine.

We might have lost three years....or five...but we have a lifetime ahead of us.