She Speaks Scholarship

Growing up, I always wished I could go back and change things in my life; choices I made, mistakes I stumbled through, things that happened to me that I longed to profess ignorance of. The pain and guilt threatened to overwhelm me.

I couldn't understand why God would allow my past to be riddled with so many potholes, so I tried blocking everything out. I was a new creation, the old is gone and the new has come. As far as the east is from the west, so far was that person from who I am now in Christ.

But there was a problem. As hard as I tried, I couldn't forget. I asked for forgiveness, I gave forgiveness, but I couldn't forget.

It was in one of my darkest, most difficult moments that I realized there was a reason I couldn't black out who I used to be.

That lonely, hurting girl...the child who lied and hurt others in order to mask her imperfections; the teenager who put a knife to her skin in a vain effort to bleed out the emotional pain...her journey from darkness to light is who I am.

God created me. He doesn't like the things I've gone through, and He doesn't cause my pain, but He gave me life and purpose.

He knew that I would tutor at-risk teenagers in college. He knew that I would have a child with autism. He knew that I would become a foster parent, just as He knew the names and faces of all twenty two children who passed through my home. He knew that we would adopt three children who needed a mother who understood grief and pain.

He knew that there were people out there who needed to know they weren't alone.

I am grateful every single day for the desire God has given me to write and speak. When I am standing in front of a group of women and sharing my teachings and stories, I see God's hand on every aspect of my entire life.

I've gone from being depressed about my difficult periods to being thankful. God got me through them, and now I can stand as a testimony to His forgiveness and grace. I can stand and say that He held me in the palm of His hand until I was ready to stand in His presence.

I want to give back.

A few months ago, I bookmarked the site for the 2010 She Speaks Conference. I checked it weekly all through December and into January. When the information finally came out, I was ecstatic. This was my opportunity to learn more about something I am so passionate about; my opportunity to be among women who share one of my deepest desires.

The cost was more than I thought it would be. And though I felt God was leading me to attend, I couldn't reconcile the cost of the travel and conference with the daily costs of raising seven children. And so I prayed..."Lord, if it is Your will that I go, show me the way."

Yesterday my friend emailed me to tell me that there are three scholarships available through Lysa TerKeurst's site. To apply, you need to write a blog entry describing why you wish to attend the She Speaks conference.

It was the doorway I was praying for. Now I pray that the Lord will open or close the door as is His will. For there is no door He has opened for me that did not contain blessing, and there is no door He has closed that didn't have a reason.

Thank you for reading. God bless you.